What People Get Wrong About the Phrase "Toxic Masculinity"
Insecurity, misinformation, and a lack of education lead some to cry misandry
Toxic masculinity is a phrase that often incites anger, offense, and irrational accusations of misandry.
In my experience, a lot of these reactions come from men. And many of them are happening online.
I recently cited toxic masculinity as a reason some men feel anxiety about asking for help when it comes to improving their physical relationships with their female partners.
The online comments were mostly thoughtful, positive responses that reflected a deep understanding of a nuanced topic. One reader, however, had this criticism to offer:
You should have avoided using misandrist terms such as ‘toxic masculinity.’ You don’t get to decide what aspects of masculinity are acceptable and what aren’t. You ruined the entire article by using that term. Men are not going to stand for misandry anymore.
I was baffled. And this wasn’t the only male commenter who argued against my use of the term.
In the ever-evolving (and often contentious) discussion around gender, labels, and socially constructed roles, a lover of words like myself has to wonder why anyone would think that toxic masculinity, as a term, is misandrist.
In short, it’s not. Misandry refers to the hatred of or contempt for men. While toxic masculinity refers to societal expectations of how men should behave that are seen as harmful to all genders.
For example, the idea that men are weak if they need to ask for help or the notion that they are naturally violent and aggressive — these are manifestations of toxic masculinity.
It’s not a critique of being masculine. It’s a critique of associating true manliness and masculinity with poisonous and harmful concepts.
The same reader explained to me that what I’m describing in my writing should not be called toxic masculinity but toxic behavior. He encouraged me not to connect bad behavior to masculinity at all. That the two are never related.
Masculinity…infallible? I have to disagree.
In early America, a husband had a right to beat his wife until a few of the first states banned the behavior in the 1870s. It was not acceptable, however, for a wife to beat her husband. Otherwise, we could cut the word “masculinity” out of the phrase in this example.
It was considered appropriate for a man to beat his wife to keep her in line because he’s the man, he’s in charge, and it’s better for her to be obedient. That is toxic masculinity — because it’s directly connected to societal gender roles.
Overall, the exchange with my reader left me feeling unsettled. And this is just one reaction among many I’ve seen, both in my own writing and in the online community as a whole.
Are these people just uneducated about the definition of the phrase and its origin? Are they ill-informed by the dark underbelly of the online community known as the manosphere?
Or are they simply insecure?
The evolution of toxic masculinity
I get the sense that some men (some men, not all men) feel so insecure about the social constraints and pressures of their gender that they can’t accept any critique of masculinity.
They aren’t able or willing to open their minds and consider the fact that there may be some negative elements to it.
According to a research article published in Men and Masculinities, the concept of toxic masculinity surfaced during the mythopoetic men’s movement of the 1980s.
The origin of the word is attributed to a man (note: not a woman with a toxic feminist agenda) named Shepherd Bliss. It was his way of describing the harmful aspects of his relationship with his father.
In a 2019 email, Bliss coined the term to describe his dad’s harsh militarized and authoritarian form of masculinity. In a 1990 interview, he explained his choice of language, stating:
“I use a medical term because I believe that like every sickness, toxic masculinity has an antidote.”
Yes, there are behaviors that are simply toxic and not at all connected to maleness. We’ve all come across toxic people of all genders. They mistreat you, they’re selfish, they find joy in your pain, etc.
But that doesn’t negate the fact that there are indeed toxic traits that are directly linked to gender norms and gender roles as created by society. And it’s negligent and dangerous not to recognize that nuance.
When I was married to my ex-husband, he sexually assaulted me because his church taught him that the man is in charge and he can use his wife’s body to meet his needs at any time and without consent.
The wife, in turn, has no right to turn him down for any reason. If she’s sick, if she’s not feeling the vibe, or, in my case, if she’s recovering from a miscarriage — none of these are valid reasons to dismiss your husband’s advances.
Many religions appoint the husband as the executive leader of the household. He can turn his wife’s advances down any time he wants or use her any time he wants, but she can’t do the same. This is a double standard, and it’s a religious teaching as old as time that is directly connected to gender roles. To say that it’s not connected to gender is illogical.
Toxic is simply an adjective, while masculinity is the noun being modified. We’ve accepted the use of phrases like toxic positivity, toxic relationships, and a toxic work environment.
These phrases don’t mean that all positivity is toxic. Nor are all relationships poison. And, you guessed it, not all work environments are unhealthy.
To specify a toxic relationship when comparing it to a healthy relationship is not a put-down of all relationships. Relationships can be amazing. So can positivity. So can masculinity.
I’m not sure why any man would equate toxic masculinity to the idea that all masculinity is toxic. I’m not sure why any man, or human for that matter, would not be able to admit that some forms of masculinity are truly harmful.
Society constructed what it means to be masculine, and our collective society is far from imperfect.
Again, I have to consider insecurity, misinformation, and/or lack of education.
Or maybe it’s just toxic masculinity veering its ugly head, leading men to be unable to admit to any potential flaws. That would be a sign of weakness. And that wouldn’t be very manly, would it?
Toxic femininity is also a thing
It would be hypocritical of me to leave out the fact that toxic femininity also exists. No one’s perfect, right? As a cisgender woman, I’ve seen it, experienced it, and I’m aware enough to admit that it’s real and harmful.
Ridiculous gender expectations can affect all of us — not just the men. Toxic femininity, although less commonly discussed, refers to societal expectations placed on women that can negatively impact society as a whole.
I see toxic femininity in unrealistic beauty standards, the pressure to nurture and place other’s needs above our own, or whatever the hell it means to “act like a lady.”
Think about your great Aunt Mildred, who told you as a kid that it’s not very ladylike to sit with your legs uncrossed. Or the people who pressure women into marriage and children because it’s the natural way of things.
It’s also possible to be a toxic feminist. This coming from a passionate feminist like myself. The feminist movement is a fight for gender equality, not a fight to hate and eradicate all men. To punish men, to hurt men, to take men down a notch as an act of revenge is not feminism.
We’ve all run into some form of harmful gender expectations, whether we identify as men, women, transgender, nonbinary, or any spectrum of humanity.
We’ve since seen the rise of toxic masculinity as a well-known term within academic and social circles where researchers, writers, and activists talk about gender expectations, power dynamics, and the sometimes negative impact of traditional gender norms.
These are the things I’ve taught my 17-year-old son about feminism and toxic masculinity. And he gets it. As someone who’s been berated by his father (my abusive ex) for not being “man” enough, my teen understands the concept on a personal level. And so do I.
Toxic masculinity is not an affront to manliness
While some embrace the concept of toxic masculinity as a means of addressing harmful behaviors and promoting healthier expressions of masculinity, others find the term offensive.
Some argue the phrase suggests that all aspects of masculinity are inherently toxic, leading to a backlash against the entire concept. But discussions surrounding toxic masculinity are not an attack on men or masculinity as a whole — they’re an exploration of harmful gender norms and their consequences.
If we teach young men that reaching out for help isn’t “manly,” then they may feel like they can’t seek mental health care when they need it.
If we promote the harmful stereotypes that men have to be strong providers and breadwinners, that they shouldn’t express emotion, that they should make all the important decisions in the household and be in charge of their wives — we’re pressuring them to the point of smothering.
If we make men feel like they shouldn’t do domestic chores or nurture their children with love, then we’re limiting them. And we’re harming the father-son dynamic.
Toxic masculinity hurts men and society as a whole.
Embracing an open-minded perspective and letting go of staunch gender stereotypes allows us to move toward a society where humans are free to be themselves and express their authentic personalities without fear of bullying or backlash.
And that’s the whole thing. Embracing your authentic self.
If you’re a man and you love doing traditionally masculine things that aren’t harmful to others, then that’s wonderful. Go for it.
But we also need to work toward a society where men aren’t afraid to embrace their inner feminine selves if they want to. And vice versa, with women embracing their masculine side.
All these gender norms and associations — from being the provider to painting your nails — they’re all just made up anyway. We, as a society, made them up. And we can change them up if we want.
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