My Boyfriend Slapped Me During Sex

Uncovering kinks I didn’t know I had

Image by Claudio Terribile from Pixabay

When we first started dating, my boyfriend and I talked about exploring a Dom/sub relationship, or D/s.

We were both excited that our kinky interests seemed so well aligned. He has a natural Dominant streak in the bedroom, and I absolutely love being submissive during sex.

A couple of months into our relationship, and after many in-depth conversations that helped us build trust and bond over our kinky tendencies, he drew up a contract that we both read and signed together.

The contract included an extensive pleasure menu with pages of sex acts listed in a spreadsheet. We rated each item as a need, want, soft limit, or hard limit.

Face slapping, at the time, was a hard limit for me. Though spanking, paddling, and a riding crop to the ass were all A-ok!

There were plenty of other rough sex and pain play activities I had checked as a turn-on — including hair-pulling, choking, nipple clamps, deep penetration, and being tossed around like a submissive little rag doll.

Even though we’d both read over the list, it stands to reason that neither of us memorized every single act and its limit rating. It would take time and practice for us to really get to know what we liked and just how we liked it — and I was looking forward to finding out.

But it’s a learning process, and human error can certainly come into play — whether you’re new to BDSM or a seasoned pro.

So one evening, while I was enjoying some particularly rough foreplay and intense verbal discipline from my Dom, he slapped me across the face while he was on top of me.

My jaw dropped, though the slap wasn’t hard. It stung more than it hurt. But boy, was I surprised.

“I thought I’d marked that as a hard limit…” I touched my cheek, falling rapidly out of subspace.

By the look on his face, he instantly caught the shift in my behavior. The moment was gone. His blue eyes widened, shocked that he’d slipped up.

Tears started to pool in my eyes, and he apologized immediately and profusely. He wiped a stray tear from my cheek and hugged me tightly, whispering how bad he felt for accidentally taking it too far.

I assured him that I was physically okay, and that crying was an emotional reaction from being thrown an unexpected curveball. One I wasn’t sure how to process just yet.

From going too far to feeling turned on

Accidentally crossing a hard limit was something that had yet to happen during our D/s play, and I’m thrilled about the way my Dom handled it.

He immediately let go control, apologized, and made sure I was okay. Then we had a lengthy talk about what happened and how we could avoid mistakes in the future. He listened to all of my thoughts and feelings and shared his own.

He was too hard on himself for messing up. My neurodivergent perfectionist boyfriend doesn’t like when he isn’t the best at something. He told me he’d go home and study our menu so that it didn’t happen again.

In the end, we left each other that night stronger and more bonded than before. I was excited to see him again for our next date, and I wasn’t at all hesitant about continuing with our D/s dynamic.

What I didn’t expect, however, was how much I would think about that slap. And how much I would get turned on and excited by the vivid memory.

Even though I’d never tried it, I assumed it was a hard limit for me, which is why I’d marked it as such on my sex menu. But for some reason, whenever I replayed the incident in my head, I felt aroused.

And the fact that thinking back on it was getting me hot made me feel dirty. But the good, sexy kind of dirty. A little naughty. A little freaky.

I started to realize that I was a bit more of a pain slut than I thought. And it felt amazing to uncover this uncharted sexual part of me. Honestly, it felt like leveling up.

Nex subby sex kink: unlocked!

Sexual desires change and evolve

I processed my thoughts for a while before approaching my Dom about it.

Eventually, I processed enough and felt comfortable telling him I had changed my mind.

During the moment, I was so startled by my Dom barreling past a hard limit that my true feelings about the act itself were overshadowed.

I liked the (slight) sting and, even more so, I liked the domination.

A slap in the face, I told him, was no longer a hard limit for me.

As an independent woman who’s had to leave two marriages and raise a kid on her own, being in charge all day wears me the fuck out. I love when I can let go of control and give myself over to a loving and trustworthy Dominant who takes over — and pleasures me as he does.

We took things slowly, with him researching the safest ways to incorporate face-slapping during a D/s scene. Things like what part of the face is safest and what areas should be avoided.

Soon, he did it again — on a night when I was being thoroughly bratty.

I feel those slaps more between my legs than I do on my face. I can’t completely explain it, but this subby girl likes what she likes.

I like being slapped during sex, said the feminist

Getting all hot and bothered by the occasional face slap during sexy time doesn’t come close to making me or anyone anti-feminist.

At their core, sexual kinks and desires are personal and subjective. The ever-present inner goddess inside me (a.k.a., my strong and very vocal feminist self) is still perfectly intact. That’s because feminism is about having the freedom and autonomy to make our own choices about our own bodies without being oppressed or judged because of our gender.

There’s just nothing inherently anti-feminist about enjoying a consensual sexual activity, regardless of whether it conforms to traditional gender roles or stereotypes.

Just remember that respect and communication are key components for healthy intimacy, and all parties involved should check in with each other during both kinky and vanilla sex.

If you’re into the kinkier stuff, a safeword is also a must.

Pain play involving violent or painful acts may be triggering for some and therapeutic for others. But as long as your sexual desires are safe, sane, and consensual, then they are valid.

Now, almost a year into our dynamic, my boyfriend and I haven’t had a slip-up like that first one. Seems like he did a pretty good job memorizing my sex menu. With updates as our desires evolve, of course.

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Thanks for reading! I love writing about relationships, feminism, culture, and mental health. You can also find my work on Medium and YourTango. Feel free to say Hi! on Instagram.