Losing Myself to Stepmom Burnout

I don’t know who I am anymore

Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash

I had no idea I’d be a stepmom. It wasn’t in the plans.

Is becoming a stepparent ever in the plans?

I have one biological son. At 17, my bio kid is mature and responsible. He still needs love, advice, and financial support. But as far as parenting goes, I have it pretty easy with that one.

Up until now, I was always a one-and-done kinda mom. Adding more children to my roster was not just unexpected — it was something I worked hard to prevent.

I was obsessively careful with birth control. I took all the precautions and even got an IUD. I couldn’t understand how any parent juggled more than one tiny human, but I always admired their strength and ability to do so.

Don’t get me wrong. I loved having a baby and raising a child. I put my entire heart and soul and everything into being a good mom and nurturing a healthy and communicative relationship with my child. We’re still super close, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was looking forward to him turning 18 while I was 38.

And as he got older, got his driver’s license, got a job, and continued to excel in school and the arts, I realized I was getting more me-time before he was even a full-fledged legal adult. I could write more, work out more, and — finally — relax a little.

Part of that me-time meant I was out dating and having a wonderful time. I loved meeting people and forming meaningful friendships. I loved exploring sex with new people.

Then, I went on a first date that changed my life forever.

Part of this new guy’s appeal? He was also a parent. We could commiserate about the challenges and struggles of raising kids. He was a good dad. He also happened to be a super attractive dad. Beautiful on the inside and out.

The way he cared about his children, protected them, loved them, and provided for them did something for me. This is the nature — and the lure — of the DILF.

Not only did I love that he was a good parent, I loved everything else about him too.

A year and a half later we moved in together, and I was thrown headfirst into stepparenting. Suddenly, I had three children instead of one. And we all had a lot of adjusting to do.

Cinderella’s stepmother syndrome

Stepparents are dealing with the sensitive nature of raising children that are not our own. After partnering with someone who has kids, there’s eventually a transition of moving in together. That’s when the real work of blending a family begins.

Some stepmoms often feel a need to overcompensate during this transition, doing our best to ensure that the kiddos and biological parents are as happy, healthy, and well-adjusted as possible.

There’s even a name for it: Cinderella’s stepmother syndrome. The research suggests that society sometimes views stepmothers in a negative light, and that many of these women are momming in overdrive in order to do a good job in their new family role.

The name for this psychological malady isn’t quite right. Cindy’s stepmom is selfish and pure evil, while the woman suffering from Cinderella’s stepmother syndrome is well-intentioned and pushing herself to the brink of burnout to make sure everyone around her is well cared for.

She puts her own needs aside and walks on eggshells, trying to balance that fine line between helping where needed and not overstepping anyone’s boundaries.

Whatever you call it, the stress and pressure for stepmoms who are actively blending a family — and doing a whole lot of overcompensating while they’re at it — can cause symptoms similar to depressive illness, including:

• anxiety

• rejection

• ineffectiveness

• guilt

• hostility

• exhaustion

• loss of self-esteem

I can tell you that as I close in on the one-year anniversary of becoming a blended family, I have felt each and every one of these emotions on full blast as a result of my stepmom efforts.

I find myself taking on the brunt of the extra domestic labor. As wonderful as my partner is at doing his fair share of household labor and child care, it comes down to simple logistics. He’s working at the office, and I’m working from home.

The emotional labor of stepparenting

The weeks when we have the kids, it would be more accurate to say that I’m trying to work from home.

Once school let out, I found myself setting writing and career aside. Otherwise I can’t stay on top of the endless and mundane list called Things That Need Doing.

I’m meal planning, shopping for groceries, making lunches and dinners for picky eaters (emphasis on picky), doing twice as much laundry, and cleaning up all kinds of extra messes around the house.

Going from one child to three is quite a whirlwind. I’m discovering that feeding multiple children on the daily means you pretty much live in the kitchen. Especially in the summer. Just go ahead and set up camp there if you can’t afford to eat out regularly and you don’t want dishes rotting in the sink for days.

Another challenge of becoming a stepmom is striking the right balance with the division of parenting duties. Where do the responsibilities of the biological (bio) mom end and stepmom begin? And where does a lack of parenting in one of the homes become a threat to the child’s welfare?

I’ve been asking myself these questions as I discover that the youngest step-kiddo only takes a bath or shower at my house, when I tell him do it, and not at the other house. This is a problem.

It’s also a problem when no one is cleaning in the other home — something my partner and I see whenever we pick up the children. It’s not just clutter. It’s messes from pets and dishes and laundry. These are things the kids need to have taken care of for their health.

Bio mom suffers from a lot of mental health issues, and she is trying to get better. Depression is a real bitch, something I know from personal experience, so I really do feel for her. But we have to make sure that the kids are a priority — especially as they adjust to a divorce and separation.

I can only overcompensate so much. We can’t control every little detail of how the kids are cared for in the other home. And it has become painfully obvious that their health and wellness isn’t as much of a concern over there.

Let’s be clear here — I’m trying to pitch in and help with parenting, not replace the position of bio mom. But because I love and care for these kids, I’m taking on too much, simply because it needs doing. And I fear it’s driving me nuts.

Overcompensation can become a big issue for stepmothers in our drive to be accepted and valued by the family. And sometimes, a bio parent takes advantage of that.

I’ve found myself planning and hosting sleepovers for my step-kiddos, giving them rides to doctor’s appointments, scheduling and driving them to haircuts, and taking them shopping for summer clothes. Just last night, we went on a school supply excursion for new backpacks and lunchboxes.

My partner and I have had his kids full time for most of summer vacation, even though that wasn’t the original agreed-upon schedule. It was supposed to be a fifty-fifty time split, but there have been multiple issues at bio mom’s home — including messes and repairs and moving to a new house— that have made it impossible for the kids to be over there.

If you’ve ever seen Clerks, it’s very much giving Dante’s “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” when he has to cover a shift at the gas station for an employee who doesn’t show up. That phrase has been playing in my head on repeat. Thank you, Kevin Smith.

Cinderella’s stepmom, or just plain Cinderella?

It’s been rough. And I’m tired.

One minute I’m riding the waves of hostility and anxiety hard. The next, I’m a mess with guilt for experiencing negative emotions about stepparenting and not holding more empathy for their bio mom, who is struggling.

Why aren’t I happily performing all the childcare duties and cleaning the home like a cheerful little domestic saint? Shouldn’t I be acting more grateful for having such wonderful, fun, and funny kids around?

Yes, I am grateful. Truly. But I feel like my gratitude and love and empathy and happiness are all being tainted. These positive feelings can suddenly slip into hiding as I wrestle with the darker emotions.

It’s making me feel like an evil step-bitch inside, even though I love these kids. They are my partner’s children, and they are a part of him. I’ve started seeing them as my own kids — just as my partner sees my son as one of his own kids.

But man, am I burnt out from slaving away for them. The cooking, the cleaning, the shopping, the laundry, the financial imbalance as bio mom doesn’t keep a job...it feels more like Cinderella than stepmom.

All of these feelings have been swarming around inside of me. And sometimes, I feel nothing at all. I go numb. Perhaps a defense mechanism from my mind and body being on overdrive all the time. But the numbness is worse. It makes me feel so lost.

I’ve been asking myself: Who even am I anymore?

A little more collaboration

It’s worth noting that as of very recently, bio mom is communicating a little more clearly and consistently with us, and things are slowly getting better — and cleaner — than before.

Her move from one home to another seems to have helped. She plans to job search again, and she’s actively working on enrolling the kids in school — something I’m very grateful I don’t have to do as I enroll my son in his senior year and help him get ready for college application time.

I can see things starting to turn around. School will start in a few weeks, and we’ll have gotten through this very long list of Things That Need Doing before classes start and the fun festivities of fall begin.

Our big, newly blended family might all get to the pumpkin patch in one piece, after all.

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